Thursday, January 3, 2013

Kryptonite

Another aspect of the "superman" theme of this blog is that I've always been very self-sufficient. My mother tells me that as a toddler my favorite phrase was "I'll do it myself". That has very much been a theme that has run through my entire life. I've always preferred DIY to having something done for me. This even led me to my career in IT as I am largely self taught on many technological fronts and do somewhat fit the old phrase "jack of all trades, master of none".

I've always had a pretty small circle of close friends and have been OK with that. I never got homesick when I went off to college and never had any problem with living alone. I guess what I'm saying is that I've never really felt like I've needed to rely on anyone for anything. I've always been the kind of guy who steps into a situation and takes charge, figures out what needs to be done and does it.

This is where I'm really starting to feel the impact of this disease the most. Suddenly I'm no longer as self-sufficient as I was. Tasks that I previously wouldn't have given a second thought are now difficult and I'm at the point of having to ask for assistance. It makes me feel useless which, for me, is the worst feeling in the world, to be unable to do something for myself. Letting go and accepting help is difficult for me, but I am recognizing that I have little choice in the matter. As I look out across my lawn at what's left of the Christmas Eve snow, I can't help but wondering whether I'll even be up to the task for clearing the driveway should we get any significant snowfall this winter. Will I be up to the task or will I have to ask someone else to do it for me?

My wife has been wonderful to me. She truly is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I know this has all been hard on her, especially with it coming on top of her giving birth and all that entails. I know that she's being pushed to her limits in trying to keep things as normal as possible for the girls while still being there for me. She's much stronger than she gives herself credit for and I suspect that in the coming months I'll have to lean on her more. I pray that she will have the strength to do what is necessary and that I won't be too much of a burden on her. I feel so useless here in our house, unable to help with the baby as much as I did with our first two. Even in something as simple as playing with the girls I have become more limited in what I can do.

I think I'm starting to understand how Superman felt in the presence of kryptonite.

1 comment:

  1. Clint, I understand exactly how you feel. When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 5 years ago, I was the Domestic Goddess. Ryan was 3, I took care of our home, volunteered at church and his preschool, and was running my jewelry business. Then one day all of that came to a screeching halt. I now deal with memory and organizational challenges, waking up every morning not knowing how I am going to feel and which part of me will be in pain.

    So after all this time I have learned to re-adjust my priority list each day. I get done what I can, tend to the biggest priorities and the rest is left for another day. This has been hugely challenging and in the beginning I did not adjust well and there were lots of tantrums on my part. But I have now accepted my limitations and I choose to just do my best each day. The only thing we can really control is our attitude.

    I wish you awesome sleep, energy when you need it, a team of super smart doctors, lots of help and support around you, and above all, peace.

    Rachelle

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